Feel-Good Quotes

Ah, these give me the warm fuzzies. Asterisks (**) next to my personal favourites.

On Friends & Family

Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend. -Agatha Christie

**Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. -Tim Vine

On Alcohol

I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan 

I work until beer o’clock. -Steven King 

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth. -George Burns

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. -Catherina Zandonella

Catty

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -W.C. Fields

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often. -Oliver Herford

I’d love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -Bette Davis

It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful -Anton Szandor LaVey 

On Sex

Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. -Charles Pierce

I practice safe sex – I use an airbag. -Garry Shandling

When I’m good I’m very, very good but when I’m bad I’m better. -Mae West

On Insanity

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. -Oscar Levant

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. -Mark Twain

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -Emo Philips

**The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. -William Clayton

On Work

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. -Jerome K. Jerome