When you peel away our layers, we are all just as vulnerable as the other. And we’re incredible.
If we look deep enough, we all find a flaw; a scar, near-sightedness, a fracture…If it’s physical, we can accept that it needs rehab. It deserves a little support, if only to avoid a permanent limp.
God, your mind is a beautiful thing – enough already! Pull off the band-aid and give it some air. Talk to me. I’ve been there.
It is taking so much strength not to hurt myself every minute of yesterday, every minute of today, probably every minute of tomorrow. The effort is killing me. But not fast enough.
UPDATE: But it comes and goes. Right now, just hours later, I can breathe and smile again. Not a real, full smile but…oh, I don’t know, a devious-plotting smile. I think the thing is to keep taking it a day at a time, and set myself little goals to look forward to. Like a visit to Scotland, a trip to LA…:P Little reasons to keep getting out of bed for myself.
I can’t talk lest I cry, I can’t smile or I lie, but I posted this so you know I’m still here.
Living my life in an auto-navigational blur has probably saved my life. I’ve dampened every process, every thought, every experience along the way. And I’ve experienced some things that I still wouldn’t talk to a psychologist about.
I’m only just figuring out that I’m missing out on actual quality of life. Now, not before. I’m glad I had autopilot before. But now it’s time to heal.
No wonder I’ve blacked out so much. What a strange defense mechanism.
From now on, I’m going to feel the toothbrush on my teeth, see the clothes I choose to wear, taste to appreciate…and I’m going to remember.
Maybe that will make it easier to talk. I’ll have something to remember, to talk about.
Maybe this is what hope feels like.
A word of encouragement, loves.
I’m having a rough one.
I’m sad right now. I couldn’t keep busy enough today to shut down my thoughts. I was alone. I’m kind of lonely.
Thank goodness some new episodes are on tonight. Might keep me distracted till I’m tired.
I miss you and think about you lots. Mostly when I’m sad.
This week I have a few things to look forward to: a meeting with my potential boss (!!), a 5-day visit from a close university friend, a comedy show, and two hockey games.
Day by day.
I have to learn to smile when I’m alone. I practice sometimes.
I’m pretty good at hiding it.
Good News: After a few bad experiences this past week, I can take a deep breath in realizing that I am over my love/heartbreak thing…or at least, I’m pretty sure I am. The fact that I can breathe while intentionally and directly thinking about it is a really good sign. It also doesn’t strike me as a topic of interest in conversations anymore. I’m over it – and with relatively good feelings toward the other intact.
Bad News: Now I have to take a deeper breath and figure out what else it is that is making me die a little inside each day, because the aforementioned offers only trivial relief.
It’s scary that I might have to change a lot more about my daily life than I first anticipated; not my behaviour or habits, per se, but my relationship style (I’m talking friends, family, everything). I bend over backwards for people far too much, and convince myself that others’ needs are more important or urgent than my own. Every time, it’s like a bite out of me. I am a crumbling cookie. Hehehe.
I figured out which words I want to have tattooed with my [not yet existent] hourglass tattoo. “Ikke flere ofre,” a loose Danish translation for “No more sacrifices.” That is my promise to myself.
Now I just need a design. Any ideas? $20 if I use yours ;)
Details (e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with any questions or suggestions):
- Hourglass (sharp or rounded, broken or intact) with most of sands at the bottom or spilling out
- Includes the text “Ikke flere ofre” in readable but attractive type
- Black ink only is preferable
Since I’m always looking for ways to improve quality of life without swallowing gigantic horse pills or experiencing side effects, I’m interested in what I Dose has to offer. The website employs specific auditory stimuli as a method of achieving desired effects; among their musical ‘doses’ one can find a ‘cure’ for PMS, lack of focus, depression, pain, fatigue, and so on. How they claim to achieve this:
Binaural beats affect our brainwaves directly and can alter moods, behavior, even consciousness. Sound crazy? We thought so too. But guess what? We tried it and it works!
Other than streamed tracks and testimonials, there is not a lot to this site – yet. The fact is, there’s no harm in trying it, there’s scientific truth in the claim that music helps set the tone for your mood, and, last but not least, it’s free! I’m going to give it a shot, and if you choose to take it for a spin, comment on your experience below :)
I know this blog has become important to me when my depressive moods cause me to push it away and avoid it, the same way I do with the important people in my life. The whole point of writing is to keep my communication lines open and express myself. I have to stop working so hard to distract myself, and find the courage to actually feel my feelings.
Damn, I am in a bad spot. I feel like shit.
I’m sorry if you know me and are touched by this. I’m sorry, but I can’t expend my effort feeling guilt anymore. I love you anyway.
Special attention and the third degree freak me out. Right now I could really use a hug, though.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow has to be good.
In honour of tomorrow, I am posting these pictures today. I refuse to let any sadness seep into tomorrow, so I am getting these out of the way.
So here’s to tomorrow, the first birthday I did not expect to see.