Words I can’t say

I can’t talk lest I cry, I can’t smile or I lie, but I posted this so you know I’m still here.

The biology of romantic relationships

I’m into psychology; I’m into evolutionary theory; I’m into self-improvement. Since my mother is a few months away from an empty nest, I bought her a book combining my interests and beliefs, but decided to breeze through it myself, first (if occasionally taking notes and marking sections of interest through 400 pages in a few hours can be considered “breezing”). It’s part of a group of “the owner’s manual to you” series by M.D.s Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz, my pick of which was You: Being Beautiful.

The book focuses on three main concepts of beauty: looking beautiful (i.e. attaining healthier-looking skin and hair), feeling beautiful (i.e. overcoming chronic pain, depression, or fatigue), and being beautiful (i.e. strategies for finding and embracing happiness through quality of life). The following is an excerpt from the third section, “Being Beautiful”:

You need to look beautiful – at least if you hope to continue the species – because it’s used to attract a mate. You need to feel beautiful to signal that you are healthy and worthy of parenting a potential mate’s offspring. And when someone indicates that he or she is attracted to you and interested in what it takes to perpetuate the species, it naturally gives you the joy and confidence you need to be beautiful. On every level, love, not to mention the intimate/exciting/body-melting sexual relationship that goes with it, is the biggest beauty boost of them all.

Great, now I feel unattractive and lonely. Time to go find myself a relationship self-help book.

Good News or Bad News?

Good News: After a few bad experiences this past week, I can take a deep breath in realizing that I am over my love/heartbreak thing…or at least, I’m pretty sure I am. The fact that I can breathe while intentionally and directly thinking about it is a really good sign. It also doesn’t strike me as a topic of interest in conversations anymore. I’m over it – and with relatively good feelings toward the other intact.

Bad News: Now I have to take a deeper breath and figure out what else it is that is making me die a little inside each day, because the aforementioned offers only trivial relief.

It’s scary that I might have to change a lot more about my daily life than I first anticipated; not my behaviour or habits, per se, but my relationship style (I’m talking friends, family, everything). I bend over backwards for people far too much, and convince myself that others’ needs are more important or urgent than my own. Every time, it’s like a bite out of me. I am a crumbling cookie. Hehehe.

I figured out which words I want to have tattooed with my [not yet existent] hourglass tattoo. “Ikke flere ofre,” a loose Danish translation for “No more sacrifices.” That is my promise to myself.

Now I just need a design. Any ideas? $20 if I use yours ;)

Details (e-mail rezmoron@gmail.com with any questions or suggestions): 

• Hourglass (sharp or rounded, broken or intact) with most of sands at the bottom or spilling out
• Includes the text “Ikke flere ofre” in readable but attractive type
• Black ink only is preferable

Help! Need Ideas!

It’s that time of year: my parents have asked what I want for my birthday. I have NO IDEA. You know my finances are in a sad state when I’m living at home and my first instinct is to ask for a bus pass [overpriced, but I've been cutting my social life short to avoid buying tickets].

Any other ideas? Have asked for money instead of gifts in the past, but my parents are not big fans of that…

One breath at a time, right?

Someone give me a reason to keep going that I haven’t already heard. I’m trying for everyone else, but I don’t feel it, and I just can’t…

I can’t keep crying on my pillow. It doesn’t hug me back, and I don’t want to try any more. I have no reason to think it will be better. I have no faith in it.

I’m losing my happy thought.