More-on Pickup Lines

And the last of my More-On series from past days with the school paper…

More-On Pick-Up Lines

NOTE: Anyone might use a pick-up line, no matter what age, gender, or sexual orientation. For the sake of hilarity and personal experience, however, this article is written from the point of view of girls being approached by guys.

BEWARE: If you want to break the ice, a line can save you, well, effort. Nevertheless, some pick-up lines should be permanently retired.

Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m a girl, and I’m wondering if pick-up lines even work.

Boys: you have your eye set on this hot thing across the room. You decide it’s time to go in for the kill, but before you open your mouth to lay down your best line, STOP AND THINK—for our sake.

Having worked at a university bar for almost two years, I’d like to think I’ve heard the worst in pick-up lines. Polling my friends proved my wrong. It turns out you boys are pretty creative, even if it’s just putting a twist on an old line. Don’t pat yourself on the back just yet; I didn’t say they were all winners! But what do you accomplish if you never try?

Personally, I’ve been proposed to (he spilled his drink all over me about five seconds later—I said no); I’ve had a 37-year-old man offer to guess my weight if I had a drink with him (no, thanks?); and I’ve had some guy block my way and ask for ID every time I had to leave the bar for something (he didn’t work there). Maybe it doesn’t sound all too bad, except that each time, I was clearly wearing a staff shirt and these guys…were my customers.

That’s the funny thing about working at a bar, especially if you’re part of the female staff: the drunker everyone around you becomes, the more they forget you’re sober. Heck, it gives us something to talk about.

Sometimes, using a pick-up line screams corny; sometimes it’s a clue that you’ve had a few too many drinks; sometimes it just shows that you want to make a first impression on someone you find attractive. Whatever the case, this article is here to make you think just a little more about what this first impression amounts to.

A pick-up line should be used for the journey, not a destination. It’s an opportunity to get this person’s attention long enough to get, say, their digits or their name (because I know that’s what you’re really going for, right?).

Former ASU President Z.D. is a fan of the honesty approach when it comes to matters such as these: “Actually telling the young lady or gentleman in question that you find them attractive is better… How many guys are honest?” M.F. agrees, in theory: “I don’t believe in lines. I am a smooth talker, not a hunter.” J.B. could not be reached for comment.

I compiled a panel of judges and presented them with a number of pick-up lines that have been used at Acadia. Let’s see what happens…

Meet our four judges:

S.M.
Status: It’s complicated
Age: 20 on Saturday
Program: Sociology
How to reel her in: “Cheesy lines don’t work for me. I’d say dead honesty…and a few sincere compliments, haha, not like ‘oh baby you’re so hot, you make me wanna…’ Food and beer never hurt.”

C.A.
Status: Single
Age: 20
Program: Chemistry
How to reel her in: “I like the cheesy lines—they are cute. If the guy’s not overly drunk, I’d continue to talk to him.”

L.K.
Status: Single
Age: 21
Program: Music
How to reel her in: At your own risk. Aha

Sly Sanchez
Status: In a relationship
Age: 27
Program: Masters in Biology/Wing Night Trivia
How he reels girls in: “At the end of our third conversation, she said, ‘I’ll see you Friday in lab!’ and he said, ‘Actually, I was hoping to see you sometime before then, like Thursday night for instance?’”

 

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines Overheard at Acadia:

10. Hey, are you drunk?

S.M.: You’re friggen right! But if I have to talk to you, I’m gonna need more liquor.

C.A.: This would only ever work on anyone if it’s absolutely clear that they are drunk… Usually the blunt straightforward lines are a no-go on me—especially at the Vil.

L.K.: I think this one should be reserved for sexual predators only. That is all.

Sly: The best way to get laid is without having to use a pickup line; weed out the sober ones who still have their morals intact!

VERDICT: Try harder! Better yet, go home!

9. Do you know how many girls would kill to be in your position?

S.M.: Probably more than you’ve ever successfully picked up!

C.A.: This is a little too cocky, and would probably just annoy me…so definitely would not be a good line to use on any girl who is self-respecting.

L.K.: I personally find the narcissistic approach pretty unattractive…I’d advise him to go try his luck on those “many other girls.”

Sly: Well if I have her in a position already, why is it a pick-up line?

VERDICT: It’s just you and your hand tonight.

8. Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

S.M.: OH WOW GO HOME NOW!

C.A.: Now I’m not going to lie, this is a good line, especially if the guy is smiling and giving it honestly, but to become successful it must be used sincerely

L.K.: Cute. Lame, but cute.

Sly: A little over the top don’t you think?  She knows this is bull because if you really want to get laid you go for the 6’s and 7’s first!

VERDICT: Use at your own discretion.

7. Do your feet hurt? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day!

S.M.: See above. Any guy that uses this line has probably never even slept with a girl.

C.A.: I have heard this one before, and it brought a smile to my face, and when a girl laughs…you’ve got her in the bag! One of the best!

L.K.: Zero points for originality. I think that one has been in circulation since our parents were trying to pick up at the bar…sick.

Sly: Thatta boy. Melt her heart away and butter her up, because chances are she’s a cookie-eating fatty if she is going to fall for that one.

VERDICT: This might get you a pity laugh, but seriously?

6. I lost my bed… Can I sleep in yours?

S.M.: HAHAHA!!! …And my comments are reserved…

C.A.: I believe that this one would only work if a previous conversation has taken place, but to initiate the convo with this line…I’m just not a fan!

L.K.: Ah, trying to trick girls into getting into bed with you. Clever, AND creepy. No.

Sly: Sleep? Great, now you get to cuddle with the girl who wants to get married immediately.

VERDICT: Unless you’re a friend, baaaack away.

5. Oh hey, don’t I know you from (insert time/place here)? “Sorry, I don’t remember you…” Well actually, we’ve never met, but I thought it was about time we did.

S.M.: Yeah… I’m thinking no…

C.A.: This is clever and probably the most realistic line a guy would pull! Buuut it probably wouldn’t work on me.

L.K.: Well you can pretty much bet this guy has been Facebook stalking you, so he’s done his research. I would politely introduce myself, and then excuse myself from the bad excuse for a conversation.

Sly: YEAH! And then you can tell her you love her dreamy soulful eyes and want to merge souls with her.  If you say this line and can’t figure out why you aren’t getting laid then you deserve to have a chastity belt permanently welded onto your crotch…….IDIOT!

VERDICT: Best used when sober, or you might just come off as a little creepy.

4. I like that shirt on you, but I’d like it more on my floor! (Alternately: I’m not too sure about that dress on you; can I talk you out of it?)

S.M.: I can go change so you can take it home with you…?

C.A.: If he was drunk and serious or sarcastic I’d probably tell him to frig off, but if he was smiling and stuck around, maybe started up a conversation with an apology, then maybe I’d give him a chance.

L.K.: No.

Sly: Right up Sly Sanchez’s ally!  However, if the shirts coming off she had better have huge CANS!

VERDICT: Sleazy – give yourself space to back up if you’re whipping this one out!

3. I just wanted to come over and tell you that you’re the most beautiful girl in the room (then walks away).

S.M.: What? Is that the whole conversation? Well that was easy!

C.A.: You can’t just walk away after! I would be interested, though.

L.K.: Smooth. Except that seeing as it’s Wolfville, you better hope you haven’t tossed that out to anyone else in the room too. Save that one for a special day, it has a one time use only.

Sly: Works great for the girls with low self-esteem.  Those broads are for sure NAILED with a comment like that!

VERDICT: This is a sweet line, but make sure you follow it up or forget about it…because she’ll probably forget about you!

2. I’m sorry to bother you, but my friend is really shy. He wanted me to come over and ask if you think I’m good looking—what should I tell him?

S.M.: You’d probably be better looking from far away, so try it!

C.A.: Now this one is my favourite, especially if the guy is smiling at the girl and is very sure of himself. A shy guy would not be able to pull it off…sorry. But it’s cute and quirky and the majority of girls like guys that can make them laugh!

L.K.: That you’d be better looking if you had better social skills. Go back to your friend and tell him to regroup, man up, and change your strategy.

Sly: Breaks the ice nicely!  The step is sealing the deal with a comment such as, “You know the bar is closing fairly soon and there will be a lot of drunk men hitting on you and harassing you.  I think I should walk you home and protect you from the womanizers.”

VERDICT: BAHAHAHA!

1. You probably hear this a lot, but you’re gorgeous, and I wanted to see if you’d go out for a drink or coffee sometime. (Who said pick-up lines had to be clever or corny? You’re trying to pick up—think strategy!)

S.M.: Thank you, and sure =)

C.A.: I would probably think that he wasn’t trying to hook up but was looking for an actual date, so I’d be more likely to keep hanging out and get to know him…maybe for the rest of the night…and maybe let him walk me home. That’s probably the one most guys should use, but never do!

L.K.: Depends on nature of the delivery. If this beauty gets thrown out there at the bar, mixed with slurred speech and spilly talking, it loses its appeal pretty quick. It scores high for its simplicity directedness.

Sly: That’s not even funny, it’s stupid and weak. I wouldn’t use it.

VERDICT: The difference may be subtle to you, but keeping the pressure off while telling her what you think really works!

 

Thank you judges! Mixed reviews on some of those. Yeeesh.

So I hope you’ve got a better idea of what works and what doesn’t. It always helps if you keep a playful attitude, and try to get the scoop on the girl first—customize your approach for maximal success! Cater to the customer! Blah, blah…go your way, brave soldier.

And let’s get one thing clear: just because you get the girl in the end, it does not mean your line was a success. Yeah, maybe we thought it was so hilarious or naively charming that you used it at all. Then again, maybe we had our own agenda.

More-on Girly Things

Another of my old articles for the school paper!

More-On Girly Things

Alright, girls, it’s our turn to grin and bear it. I’m about to expose some of our ‘crazy’.

Boys, have you ever wondered what takes girls so damn long to get ready?

Oh, this was our little secret up till now. We allow you to entertain beliefs that, like sophisticated, silly women do, we spend far too much time coolly perfecting a winning look for a night on the town with yours truly. 

It’s more embarrassing than that. Chances are, our final look was achieved ten minutes ago, because it was about the fourteenth look we tried.

Personally, my apartment looks like a disaster zone when I’m through with my wardrobe choice. The annoying part is, I somehow end up back in the first outfit I tried on, but now I have to put caution tape around the entire area.

Sure, some girls will see the foolishness of this process and give up eventually, like my friend who decides that everyone will have to deal with her “looking like a hobo.” But even she admits to wearing her pretty underwear. Sweet.

Another friend also claimed that she isn’t ‘one of those girls’. Until it slipped that, the night before a date, she freaks out in bed and obsessively plans her outfit down to socks and underwear. NICE TRY.

Sometimes we’re comfortable being more laidback, like when we’re being escorted from class to the Axe for dinner and drinks. Otherwise, we like to be in control—but did I really have to tell you that?

You see, there is strategy involved, and there is most certainly method to our madness. We care a little more for some people than others: “If I actually like the dude, I’ll put more effort into it and will want my boobs to look good.” (Boys, side note: if they do look good, don’t overgeneralize the above. Sometimes nature just happens.)

Attention to the… “girls”…is, however, a common theme. Some of us resort to duct taping; some tighten the neck strap for a little lift, “basically cutting off circulation to the brain”; some wear inserts, otherwise known as ‘chicken fillets’ (true story—Google it).

What can I say? We know you boys are looking.

In case you were wondering what the ultimate control freak’s date prep might look like, what follows are some of the fun facts Acadia girls have shared from their own personal routines [boys: we dare you to judge us]:

• The predrink. Don’t knock liquid courage.
• Not eating after 2:00pm, so as not to be bloated.
• Practicing make-up earlier—never hurts, right?
• Living in high heels for hours beforehand to ensure they are sufficiently broken in.
• Stretching; this optimizes dancing potential, as well as avoids dancefloor injuries. Obviously.
• Fake ‘n bake, or tan from a bottle.
• Asking you where we’re going or what you’re wearing, so as to dress appropriately or match.
• And to make sure we bring the right purse.
• Eye make-up. Which, by the end of the night, has usually melted down the face so it looks like we’ve “just come outta the coal pit.”
• Or, if all goes well, it ends up on your pillow anyways. Wiiink.
• Hair + iron. Naturally straight…naturally curly…who can tell anymore?
• To the finished hair, apply a full can of hairspray, which spreads the sticky down the neck and shoulders. And makes them taste chemically, should anyone happen to taste them.
• Take a picture to see, from an outsider’s perspective, how we’ve turned out. Also, make our close friends veto any poor fashion choices via webcam.
• Run out the door, only twenty minutes late and, frankly, quite proud of ourselves.
• Run back inside to change one more time.

And you thought you had a tough time asking us out!

Now, by no means is this list representative of all girls. That would just be downright scary. Yet, it would not take a moment to convince me that I’ve missed the worst date prep habits out there.

If you are male and you’re still reading, bravo. Accepting the crazy is the first step. Just remember that we do it all for you, and keep these final thoughts in mind: if you get far enough to see matching underwear, the night went as we planned. If we’re not so pumped about sharing our space, it’s a simple Sex and the City tidbit: we indulge in our own “secret single behaviour.” You don’t ask, and neither will we. And when we seem a little too eager to get home from a date, even if all went well? 

It’s because we want to eat some real food. Hell, we probably already ordered the pizza and donair sauce while we were in the washroom.

More-on Nice Guys

More-On Nice Guys

We’ve all been there. We must like the uncertainty, the letdowns, and the drama. We enjoy the jealousy, the rants to our friends, the sitting-at-home-waiting-by-the-phone.

Why else do we keep falling in like with the bad boys?

There’s something about a bad boy that makes us feel the pull. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s emotionally unavailable, and we want what we can’t have. Maybe we notice how much others want them. We feel special when, as my friend S.M. puts it, “a guy that could pick any girl in the room picks me.”

He probably demonstrates his social prowess at the bar before settling into one female’s adoring gaze. Or he winks at you in full view of his guy pals. He definitely doesn’t need you, but maybe for tonight he will want you, and for some sick, twisted reason this gives us butterflies.

Now, let me introduce the nice guy. He is our friend, he is always there for us, and he takes care of us when we are sick or sad. He brings us soup and candy, and makes plans that he doesn’t break. He listens to us cry about the bad boys. He doesn’t even say “I told you so.”

Why do we look past these guys and get our thrills with the ones that our friends and family probably wouldn’t approve of?

Okay, I gave part of it away when I said “thrills”—they’re dangerous! Why do we, as a society, like scary movies and rollercoaster rides? They get our adrenaline pumping.

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘the chase is better than the catch’? The more time we spend telling ourselves that we can never get the guy, the more thought we have invested into the chase. We may even begin to idolize them. This might result in a permanent mini-crush, but a few different things can happen when it turns out they want us back.

It is, of course, entirely possible that a marvelous relationship evolves out of this situation. Best case scenario. There are so many unfortunate cases, however, in which it turns out we wanted the excitement, and not the actual relationship. Sometimes we just get bored. The guy may be perfectly wonderful, but if you’ve thought about him enough, he probably doesn’t add up to your expectations. How could he? He wants you, and you weren’t good enough for him in your fantasies. He is suddenly not so appealing.

There is something to the degree of investment created by an emotionally-charged chase, however. Even if the dream and the reality do not meet, we have more motivation to find other reasons we might like them. We rationalize our prior emotions so we don’t have to think of ourselves as flighty, picky, or the stereotypical mind-changing female.

So, how does all this tie into the nice guy, exactly? Someone who shows honest feelings seems easily available, probably because they don’t feel the need to play games to get your attention. They like you as you are.

Wait a minute—but we love the chase. Where is our drama, our fun, when we don’t have to work and suffer for their attention?

Have you ever turned down the nice guy, only to get jealous when he turned around and got himself a girlfriend? Maybe we did not feel anything when we thought they were too available, which clearly made their qualities suspicious to us. Then we see them with another attractive, smart, nice girl, and her being with him justifies him as an attractive being. Only then do we want them.

Damn, it sounds silly.

Maybe it seems like I’m telling the nice guys out there to play games, too. Certainly not, although there are some things you can do if the subject of your affection is not responsive. Perhaps you haven’t even approached her, but only admired from afar. For those of you, I offer this concept: part of why the bad boys often ‘get the girl’ (not always with the same intentions as the nice guys) is the simple fact that those who are more upfront about what they want automatically have a higher baseline rate of success. The more you try, the more you will succeed.

You could wait for her to come around. However, you might consider letting her see you at your best, instead of waiting for her to notice you. Be around the people you are comfortable with, and let her see you laugh and receive positive attention. Who knows—this might even distract you from the fact that she is not reciprocating attention. You might have some fun.

After all, if your attempts have failed repeatedly with the same person, it might be time to start looking elsewhere, because something about the time, place, or person is simply not working out.

There’s a chance that a good number of us will never come around (after all, look at current divorce rates!). Sometimes we think we can ‘fix’ someone who seems to need a little TLC, but people generally do not change, and especially not unless they are seeking to change for themselves. As a result, we get into different relationships with the same type of guy.

If anything, girls have to identify their pattern, if such a pattern exists. If you have dated genuinely good guys and had healthy relationships, maybe you skipped or already graduated from the bad boy brigade. All the more power to you. If, like me, you’re still drawn in by the bad boys, I refer you one of my previous articles: More-On Abstention ;)

We appreciate you nice guys, we really do. But maybe our romantic lives aren’t ready for the straight and narrow.

We’re still young.

More-on Abstention

I wrote this during the latest faculty strike…

More-On Abstention

Many of us understand the risks our professors faced by going on strike. They are losing pay and access to aspects of their daily routine, and meanwhile, facing adversity from those who are harbouring negative feelings toward the situation. I admire the faculty for having the self-respect to take the dive. They have not been getting what they felt they deserved, and they have identified the potential benefits of negotiating the matter, even if it still does not guarantee that they will get these things in the end.

For some people, these same realizations [that the ideal, let alone the acceptable, does not meet the reality] are good enough reasons for going on a strike from sex. Unlike the former, however, a sex strike typically affects only one person (if you’re lucky, two. Or, if you’re REALLY lucky…not going there). Consequently, the point you tend to be making is to yourself.

People often choose to abstain through association with a spiritual or religious lifestyle, but because I do not have religious affiliations, I will not discuss the morality behind sex behaviours. I intend to impart instead some of the reasons that individuals who have experienced intercourse may step aside in an effort to meet some other needs.

In an episode of Sex and the City, Miranda announces that she is striking from sexual activity (s4e04). She admits that “it might have started as a slump but I’m in control of it now. I’ve made the conscious decision not to have sex until conditions improve… I can’t go on any more bad dates.” So, some people are simply waiting for something better to come along, because why should any of us have to settle?

(Speaking of slumps, or the end thereof… The bars have been teeming with “activity” since Homecoming, so here’s a reminder to be safe, or else nine months from this week might be referred to as Generation S for Strike!

Speaking of bad dates… My friend decided it was time to abstain when the guy she was seeing happened to yell “Oh MOM!” in the heat of the moment. Talk about a Freudian slip.)

Why can it take so long for us to wake up and ditch someone who doesn’t deserve us? Well, here’s one of many possible scientific angles: when both males and females orgasm, oxytocin, generally identified as a ‘bonding’ hormone that is linked to the formation of trust, is released. Some findings appear below:

“In some animals, oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner.” (Could the male please be notified?) Also, “levels of the hormone are found to be higher in humans who claim to be falling in love.”

(Note: while findings seem to be consistent across my resources, I haven’t read the actual studies, so, grain of salt.)

What this suggests is that, by having sex with someone you don’t know very well, you could ultimately be duped into trusting a person who, well, is untrustworthy. Some of us learn the hard way.

Maybe oxytocin is a part of why some people are especially prone to becoming emotionally attached to those with whom they are intimate; because, as subjective beings, we tend to identify emotions and not chemical interactions. (What I really wanted to say was, they are probably having better orgasms!)

Jokes and the complexities of the brain aside, people often choose to stop having sex when it starts getting in the way of their emotional wellbeing. Maybe you’ve found yourself in awkward situations after mistaking attraction for chemistry (cough—alcohol); maybe you want to determine your intellectual compatibility with someone, for a change; maybe you still have feelings for someone and need a breather from the rebound scene.

Did I say rebound? Dating.

Perhaps masturbation has become more satisfying than sex. Or the last three people you’ve been with had erectile dysfunction, and you start to suspect that you’re coming on too strong (it sure did happen to a friend of mine). Grades dropping? Just into a new relationship with someone you, surprise of all surprises, might actually like?

Well, damn. Basically, it’s a good idea when you’re emotionally f—ed up. Fed up.

So, when you’re unhappy with your current situation and you know something’s gotta give, find out what stands in your way. Your locks might have to be changed, for those who already had a key, but stand proudly on your picket line nevertheless. When your head is cleared and you’re ready to tackle the situation anew…giv’er and make up for lost time!

More-on Heartbreak

More-On Breakups

“Don’t take your love away from me.
Don’t you leave my heart in misery.
If you go, then I’ll be blue,
‘Cause breaking up is hard to do.”
-Neil Sedaka

I’ll bet that the young adults singing those lyrics in the 1960s didn’t imagine that breakups could get any worse. They could have been doomed to bump into their ex every day for the remainder of their undergrad at a small-town university. Every time they went out to one of the two local bars, they could have had to go with the full anticipation of running into them there, too. With their cellular phones. Which come with text messaging. Which mixes badly with bars.

The gym? Don’t even kid yourself. Thanks to online registration and MSN, they probably would have synched up their schedules over the summer, remember? Worse yet, they could have had to break it off officially on Facebook, and face any number of wall posts ranging from “omg we have to talk” to “I’m sorry you guys broke up, I thought you were such a perfect couple! He is so nice!” Um, thanks.

It’s a shame that things should ever end badly with someone you once cared about, but I am a firm believer that passion on one hand is easily transferable to the opposite. If you love someone and they betray your expectations, it is much easier to hate them than if you only somewhat liked them. If they didn’t make you hate them, it’s harder to get over them. That’s the catch-22; either way, it is a waste of your energy.

So, what is the ideal breakup? Obviously it would have to be one that is genuinely mutual, and probably with the understanding that the compatibility was never intimate. Ideally, this couple would remain friends.

Friends. How often does this actually work out? Many of us have had the blessing of remaining friends with at least one of our ex-whatevers, with a minimum amount of post-partum awkwardness. But let’s please get one thing straight, once and for all: if they were not your friend when you were with them, there is no good reason to be their friend now. More importantly, if they treated you badly when you were dating, they definitely do not deserve your friendship afterward. I have heard about so many of these ex-couples pulling the friend card, only to ditch plans or do something thoughtless and retort with “you can’t get mad at me, you’re not my boyfriend anymore!” Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

The same problem exists with FWB—Friends with Benefits. A pre-existing emotional attachment means there is always a whole new opportunity to get hurt. But that topic deserves a whole article of its own.

The fact is, it’s hard enough to maintain a balance within a relationship, but what happens when you break up and you stop “having the right to be angry at them”? Your emotions have to be transformed into something productive, or else you might feel—and start to act—a little crazy.

Everyone deals with breakups in their own way, but some common themes seem to come up in the process of moving on. The bad news is, many of us probably don’t make it to a full reconciliation before we graduate, and the time we invested into this relationship is ultimately lost.

Sometimes a breakup can start off amicably, but the careful analysis of the other person’s behaviours, which we tend to use as cues for our own responses, can result in some bitter miscommunications. You say hi to them in passing; they don’t hear you; suddenly, they have ignored you. Next time you see them, you ignore them. They notice. Downward spiral.

There are two main variations of this process, in my mind. There is the Shaft, in which one person literally pretends they didn’t see you so they don’t have to communicate at all. We might pull this with people in our everyday life if we’re too busy to genuinely converse, but it takes on a whole new meaning when this is someone you used to let kiss your lips.

The other one is the Brush-off: you make eye contact, get the nod or the quick “hi,” and it’s over. This one comes off just a little more insulting, because it acknowledges one’s presence, and then implies mere acquaintanceship. It can make you want to scream “I’VE SEEN YOU NAKED!”

Maybe they really are just treating you like a normal person; respectable, but more distant than you’re used to. This can be painful for the simple fact that you are not supposed to be a normal person to them. You were their #1, at one time. Priorities change.

A distressing downside to remaining in close proximity to an ex is that it is glaringly obvious when they have moved on. You begin to notice them with the same person at different places, at different times, and you put the pieces together. Or you hear it from a friend. Or Facebook. Goodness gracious, Facebook, how complex you make our lives.

Seeing your ex with someone else can arouse feelings of jealousy. You are the one that knows them so well, and spent time trying to make them happy, and it’s hard to ignore that someone else now seems to be happy with them. Especially if you do not yet have a ‘someone else’. One tip from a magazine helped me through this phase of my breakup. It instructed readers to write down 5 things about your ex that drove your crazy, and carry it around in your wallet. Every time you get that horrible feeling in your chest, pull it out and remind yourself that you can get along without those things.

Sometimes, getting back with our ex, or fantasizing about it, stops becoming “giving it another chance” and just becomes a bad habit. Change is scary as hell, and we prefer the familiar. Eventually, you will be able to relive the good parts without fooling yourself into thinking that’s all your relationship was. There is always a reason things turned out this way, and we make mistakes to learn from them.

One of the parts of a breakup that we never think about until afterwards is the stuff. Sure, there’s your stuff that they have, and their stuff that you need to give back. But I’m talking about the “our stuff” stuff. If you’ve been together with someone long enough, or made the leap to sharing rent, it can feel like a divorce. Worse yet, by then you’ve developed mutual friends. I hang out with Bob more, so now he’s my friend. You knew Jane first, so you can have her.

Any friend of an ex-couple knows the dangers of getting in the middle, and it’s hard to avoid. Realistically, sometimes you do have to pick. Sometimes you lose touch with both of them. Sometimes you have to be open and clear about your intentions of continuing to pursue a friendship with both.

It’s no wonder that some people have trouble committing again after experiencing the awkwardness, hurt, or inconvenience of a close-quarters breakup. Of course, a lot of that depends on how much time or effort was invested in the first place; there is also no doubt that some people bounce back faster than others.

I think the key to getting back to a positive, adaptive point of view is to think of your breakup in terms of incompatibility rather than their fault, my fault. You are learning more about yourself, and what you want—or don’t want—for your relationships in the future.

We can’t let a bad breakup stop us from finding happiness somewhere else, or with someone else. We can’t let it make us cynical. Even if we are doomed to linger in misery for a while, they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Yeeeeah right.

More-on Makeouts

Moreon Makeouts

Remember the good ol’ days where you would make out for hours at a time, maybe all night long, and then go home full of that good ol’ sexual tension?

What a turn on.

The complicated thing about sexual tension is that it only truly exists when something has been left unanswered or unaccomplished between two people. And there is no better way to answer that question than with a romp in the sack, right?

If you accepted the statement above at face value, this question is for you: what are the consequences of our impatience with sexual tension? If all you’re doing is releasing it, what happens to the butterflies, the excitement? The problem with having sex is that, after the first time, it doesn’t take a whole lot for there to be a second, a third, a twenty-seventh time. It’s not even the whole Pringles motto that you’re almost certainly thinking about by now; it’s simply that, for a lot of us, sex isn’t that big a deal anymore.

It’s time we turned our attention back to the lost art of the Makeout.

I bet there are a lot of girls out there who blame males for moving beyond the Makeout. My only comment here will be to point out that it was my guy friends who suggested this article.

It is often suggested that a person’s kiss will tell you what they’re like in bed—passionate, sweet, sloppy, prudish… I haven’t done the necessary empirical observations to tell you whether this is true, but it did cross my mind that this seems goal-oriented. And I can tell you one thing that is true: people who skip over the kissing just have a goal in mind, and they’re up to no good.

Unless it’s a breath thing. In which case, forgiven.

There may be several reasons you’ve lost focus on the Makeout, despite still having a hard-on for the idea. Maybe you’ve gone all the way with someone in the past and aren’t sure how you’re justified in saying no this time.

Side note: you are always justified in saying no.

If you want to try holding things up at first base for a little while, you don’t have to rag on your partner for being an animal, or come up with excuses; be coy about it. Playing hard to get can be sexy if you do it right. Obviously some people won’t get it or appreciate it, and they are not your ideal makeout partner.

Those of you who are in a hurry have to understand that withholding a little now will make it even better later. Actually, don’t even think of it as withholding; it’s more like, instead of putting your lips on the backburner, you are heating things up for a little longer. Even if it’s fifteen extra minutes.

I could not responsibly conclude this article without addressing one last complaint: bad kissers. Of course a good kisser will make us melt immediately, but all I need to say about bad kissers is that there are two kinds: those you’re not compatible with (yet), and those who haven’t had enough practice (yet). Problem solved.

Whether or not you plan on actually following up the makeout session, nine out of ten smart people recommend it. It’s a damn good way to pass the time, relieve stress, or distract someone from your lack of conversation.

I challenge each of you to turn your next sexual encounter into a full-blown, hands-over-the-clothes, all-night makeout session (I can hear a lot of people cursing me right now). Seriously, give it a shot! Put your money where your mouth is.

More-on Virgins

I wrote this one for Frosh week ;)

More-On Virgins

A significant proportion of this year’s frosh will be arriving with v-cards still intact (and with varying intentions regarding the persistence of this state). For others, sex is an old sport. Don’t let this fool you, though: university sex is an entirely different game.

There are different kinds of virgins. Mainly, there are those who are virgins by choice, and those who, well, are not.

Those of you in the latter group might idolize Jonah Hill and Michael Cera from Superbad as they contemplate their last high school party ever: “You know when you hear a girl saying, like, ‘Aww, I was so gone last night, I shouldn’t have slept with that guy!’? We could be that mistake!”

For you folks lookin’ to get lucky, the good news is this: the rumours are true. Whether you want to get laid or are anticipating your first time, university is for you, and so is this article.

However these experiences may come about for you, there are a few tips I can impart to minimize the degree of humiliation, awkwardness, or downright repulsion you experience in retrospect.

Though stereotypes can be faulty, we continue to use them because they save us time and effort. For this reason, I will employ just a few of these stereotypes to help you learn to identify your own intentions and—either for the purpose of attracting or avoiding a type—those of your potential partners this year.

The Exotic Hottie: This is how a coworker fondly referred to those international students who are new to Canadian culture and don’t yet realize that they are, in fact, total babes. If you’re not sure whether you fall into this group, watch out for unexpected special attention from those around you—and don’t forget to keep an open mind!

The Virgin Player: There are two variations of this, but they’re pretty easy to tell apart. The first is the player who acts like a virgin, usually identifiable by way of simultaneous stunning good looks and the speedy assertion that they want you to be their first. Swim at your own risk. The opposite, of course, is the virgin who acts like a player…although it eventually worked out for McLovin, so don’t knock it! Chica chica, yeeeeeah. (Okay, done with the Superbad references.)

The Selfish Lay: This person has the looks and can always be spotted canoodling with attractive others, but never seems to have a girlfriend.

You’ve also heard the stories. The “friend of a friend” kind.

It’s possible that this person has had many sexual partners but not a great amount of sexual experience with one in particular, resulting in a hush-hush reputation of being self-serving and just really not that good in bed. Talk to your friends.

The High School Hopeful: This person is playing the long-distance card with their hometown hunnie, and spends more time on the phone than at the bar…so actually, you might not even know they exist until Thanksgiving. If you fall into this group and don’t know the Thanksgiving rule, I am NOT about to burst your bubble. We’ve all been wrong about this before, though, so ignore the naysayers and all the more power to you. Just don’t miss out on the rest of the university experience!

The Slut: Both men and women may be referred to as sluts (I love the word manwhore!), but, similarly, both may be misidentified as such. The Slut is frequently seen hanging out one-on-one, perhaps in the night or early morning, with close, personal friends. Or, “close,” “personal” “friends.” Wiiiiink. Maybe they’re never actually spotted macking, but really, as if you can’t tell they’re doing it.

[As a warning, we all believe what we want in the end, so consider your own role in your judgments—this goes for all stereotypes! Therefore, beware the absolute application of this and other titles, unless you’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth, or else, to quote Russell Peters, “someone gonna get a-hurt real bad.”

The Sexual Friend: This person recounts their exciting sex stories to you without seeming embarrassed, which can be a hugely respectable thing to witness. Even if you can still find this person attractive at this point in the friendship, you probably haven’t crossed the line with them…yet. Wiiiink. They can be not only exceptionally entertaining, but also educational, so listen and learn, baby!

The Serial Monogamist: They don’t cheat, but they’ve dated, like, everyone. This person only has one girlfriend or boyfriend at a time, but moves on relatively quickly. Maybe they’re not into commitment; maybe they have some fatal relational flaw; or, maybe they just like to mix it up a little. The Serial Monogamist may show you a good time, but be sure your future expectations synch up before you get involved, or…someone gonna get a-hurt real bad!

The Bar Star: This person lives for the sociable, and seems to know everyone in school within a month. If you’re lucky enough to be legal age when you get here, you’ll figure this one out on your own…then again, it may take one to know one. See you at the Axe! ;)

The Frosh Week Splurger: Maybe this person is going to spend all of frosh week making out with every person they find mildly attractive, but this may just be their way of letting loose away from home—it’s a wait-and-see judgment.

Not the worst idea, really, if you plan on buckling down in school and want to get your mistakes out of the way early.

If you suspect you might fall into this category, beware the objects of your temporary affection. Floorcest may seem convenient at the time, but you’re probably going to see this person every day for the next year of your life.

So, welcome to ******! Get out there, stick to your morals, and enjoy! Please just remember to be safe and responsible in all that you do, and find out what your resources are on campus.

Let’s face it—if we all try hard enough this year, we could all be that mistake.

More-On Column

During my final year in undergrad, I wasted a bit of space in the school paper (The Athenaeum) writing a pseudo-sex column. They were published in print and online, but I thought I’d get them linked up here… Keep in mind that my profs and bosses were admittedly regular readers, so I kept it pretty tame. Could have been way worse…better? Better.